I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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