It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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