Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
