I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
