I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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