so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
