You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
where am i from again
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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