I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
it hurts more in the daytime
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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