I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
