apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
