just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
