this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
