Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize