omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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