I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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