well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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