hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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