i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
