Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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