what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
