I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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