I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize