I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
