just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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