I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
