life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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