I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
