I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
