Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
