Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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