We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
