Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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