Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
