I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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