Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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