May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
