I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
