My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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