she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
They are going to name an STD after you.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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