Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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