Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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