I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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