I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
