Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
