how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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