suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Your penis caused this!
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