she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
