new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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