Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you had me at cake vodka
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He? As in you personified your dick?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
