can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
