I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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