At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My feet surprised me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
