How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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