So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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