I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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