Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
