Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
please come you make the beer taste better
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
