Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
