I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
