I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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