No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
