I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
she looked like the before picture.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
