im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
