he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
