Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
