Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
