are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize