It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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